on my knees

I had a relatively crappy day today - its bound to happen, even to a Pollyanna like me. But my crappy day, a recent "devotional thought" I was asked to share with my board, and a really cool online group I am a part of (www.epinoiacafe.com) got me to thinking tonight about prayer, and how it relates to crappy days.

There's a lot going on in my world right now. Job transitions are forthcoming, there's an impending move, decisions to be made about where is the "right" place for us to be living and raising the girls....there's just a lot going on. That in itself probaby leaves me a bit more open and prone to a certain level of anxiousness and anxiety, but I am working really hard right now to not have those stressors take me away from a relatively new renewal to my commitment to prayer.

My board met last week (or maybe it was two weeks ago now) and since it was more-than-likely my last meeting with them, our chairperson asked me to bring the opening devotional thought. Rather than "preaching", I decided to just share openly from my heart what it has meant to me to share in work and ministry with them, through this beautiful place, for the last four years. As I retold the story of being called here, I was reminded of (and shared with them) God's faithfulness to my plea for a "no-brainer" after I fell on my knees one night, in literal, prone, and ultimate defeat, heartache, and brokenness. I wondered aloud with my friends and colleagues why I don't get on my knees more when praying to God.

I read tonight on Epinoia that perhaps prayer is more a lifestyle than a spiritual discipline. This reminds me of Rick Warren's thoughts on worship (a lifestyle vs. something we come to, and / or "do" on Sunday mornings). It also reminded me of something I heard when I was very young - that every conversation we have should be thought of as a conversation with (or prayer to) God. If God is really with us all the time, then God is certainly privvy to everything we do and say, and when we think about it that way, what a difference there could be in what really does come out of our mouths, both directly and indirectly, towards God - in prayer, if you will.

My day was tough enough today that I am pondering getting back on my knees when I am finished writing this, although my right knee is hurting so much right now (another reason I feel a bit more prone to being a bit blue right now...), I am not sure that is the best idea I've had. Maybe I should get on my knees in theory tonight, and just remind myself in a few moments of silent prayer that I am really not alone, that God really has a lot this covered, and that, either because of me or in spite of me, God's plans for me, my family, and our life together, will ultimately prevail.

a beautiful world

I saw a couple get engaged today, and I've pretty much been weepy ever since.

I took my girls to the zoo after church - we hadn't been in a long time (since Christmas, I think) and we were having just a terrific time checking out what's new (a HUGE area devoted to bears that looks a lot like our current backyard!), visiting old favorites (tree kangaroos for Naomi, otters for Nattie, and just about everything else for me), and just enjoying each other's company. As we were stopped in front an exhibit in the primate house, Naomi began to, without uttering a word, tap me on the shoulder. I turned to face her, and she pointed over to another exhibit - an open air one about ten feet away - where I saw a young man on his knee, holding up a ring while a young woman was tearfully looking down at him, her hand over her mouth in shock and surprise. We waited (along with only one other woman nearby who realized what was happening) until it was obvious that the young woman had said yes, and then, led by Naomi, we all began to applaud. I started to cry, and haven't really been able to reel the tears in since then.

I remember so clearly the night my husband proposed to me - it was just about as perfect of a moment as I have ever had in my life. My husband, like this young man today, got down on one knee, completely out of the blue as far as I was concerned, and pulled a lovely white ring box out of his pocket. We were sitting on a bench in the gardens outside of the historic Sellwood church in northeast Portland. The sun was setting in the background. Boats were meandering along the Willamette River below us, and the warm, late Spring breeze was blowing the precious few clouds that were in the sky. I remember thinking that all of the dreams of love, romance, and happily ever after I had ever had as a young (and, honestly, a not-so-young) girl were on the brink of coming true...and all of that came flooding back to me today as I watched, through my tears, these young lovebirds begin the next chapter of their very own "happily ever after". I felt so hopeful for them, and for life in general, at that moment. Who woulda thought - right in the middle of the monkeys no less! :-)

Max Ehmann penned (in Desiderata), "With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is stil a beautiful world." Today, I got a much-needed glimpse of that beauty, with a dream-come-true mixed right into the midst of it. How fortunate am I.....